10 Promises to a Grieving Mother

To the mothers who have suffered loss.  From a mother who hasn't.

Today is October 15, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I'm both saddened and heartened by my Facebook news feed.  I'm saddened because I've seen too many friends posting about their losses.  But I'm heartened to see that those who are sharing are processing their losses and those that aren't sharing know that they're not alone.

To the mothers who are grieving the loss of a child: my own mother, many of my friends, and anyone else reading who is in this space, here are my promises to you. 

1. I promise that I will not pretend to understand.  I won't ever say "I know how you feel".  I won't try to compare my own experiences with loss to yours.  They don't compare.
2. I promise to listen.  I will hear you.  I will listen if you need to talk.  I will not interrupt you.
3. I promise that I won't give you advice.  I will never tell you how you should feel.  I won't tell you what I think you should do to heal.
4. I promise not to "blame" it on God. I know that everyone's beliefs about life, death, and religion are different. I won't express mine while pretending to understand yours.
5. I promise not to "blame" it on you.  I won't try to "figure out" why it happened.  I won't try to explain what you did wrong or could have done right.
6. I promise that I won't start any sentences with the words "at least".  Those phrases never provide comfort to grieving people.
7. I promise to grieve or mourn with you. I love you.  And I love your baby.  If you need someone to sit with you in this space of grief, I'll be there. If you decide on a funeral, memorial service, or farewell celebration, I'll be there.
8. I promise not to use platitudes.  "Everything happens for a reason" and "It is what it is" are not phrases that often bring comfort.
9.  I promise to validate your feelings.  Whatever you're feeling is okay.  Your feelings are justified.  Even if they're different than what you expected them to be.  Even if you're talking about it for the first time in 20 years.
10. I promise to support you in whatever way you need.  Would it be helpful for me to bring dinner for your family?  Do you need someone to talk to?  Are you looking for resources?  Or do you want to be left alone right now?  I want to serve you in whatever way you need right now.

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world."

Arcadia's Unplanned Unassisted Birth (Part II)

Elisha shares Part II of Arcadia's birth today, on his fifth birthday.  Read Part I here.

Sleeping and waking through every contraction; somehow I felt rested when I got up at 4:30am to go pee. I had my bloody show; I went upstairs to tell Taylor he should probably get up. The contractions were closer; about five minutes apart, not too close. Still, they had definitely picked up in strength and there was no sleeping now!

I wasn't sure if I should get in the bath, I didn't want to de-sensitize myself; I decided I needed lots of warm water! Taylor ran a bath and prepared the pull out couch for me, with the extra sheets and shower curtain. He called our midwife who didn't answer until the second try, with her on her way we felt ready for the hours to come... or so we thought.

In and out of the bath I kept needing to pee and poop; my contractions were mostly still around five minutes apart and some four minutes apart, then all of a sudden some were one minute apart. I realized on one of the trips out of the water while sitting on the toilet that it wasn't that I needed to poop, but that I needed to push! This wasn't supposed to be happening now! Oh shit, my midwife isn't even here; I began to panic! Taylor called our midwife (I'm in the living room on the bed at this point) he tells her I'm crowning. I (still panicking) ask if I should try to hold back...then a contraction comes and fills my body with overwhelming feelings to push and get this baby out! I then realize that there would be no way to hold back and that this is happening, midwife or NOT!

I decide that I need to get back in the water and to breath and calm down, anxiety isn't going to help... relax and breathe, accepting that this is it, it is time and our baby is almost here and ready! Taylor has our midwife on the phone. With the next contraction and my again found calmness I begin to push, and push! After three good pushes out gushes our baby boy. Born in our claw foot tub in the peace of an empty house and our midwife on the phone checking the time!

I lay there in complete amazement, holding our perfect little boy!

6:15am Arcadia Cereus Immanuel Applegarth came into the world! 7lb 8oz 20 1⁄2” long.

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If you're living on the Eastern Shore and would like to share your birth story with our community, please email me at maria@thrivebirth.org.

Arcadia's Unplanned Unassisted Birth (Part I)

The very first birth story in our Delmarva Community Birth Stories series comes from one of our own doulas, Elisha.  Today marks the fifth anniversary of her first labor beginning.  We think it's so special to be able to celebrate her labor and birth with our community on this day, the day before his fifth birthday.

Five years ago, very early in the morning I stirred from sleep and automatically placed Taylor's hand on my belly for the warmth to sooth my abdomen; stirring more from this action I realized it had been months since I had last done this (something I would do when experiencing menstrual cramps) I then realized I was in labor.

The excitement and Oh my Goodness this is REAL set in; there was still so much to do! I thought I had at least four more days if not more.... I got up and began washing baby blankets that for some reason had been left till now, and now I had to wash them by hand because we didn't have a washer or dryer at this time. Hanging them out to dry with rain in the forecast, but sun for now was a relief.

The morning set in and the contractions were still far enough apart to continue our day as planned. We got ready for our last trip to Dover, Delaware to see our midwife. We informed our midwife that I was in labor, she felt the contractions and informed me that this could last a week or so... I knew that would not be the case, tomorrow felt like the day we would meet our little baby.

We then headed home with a few stops planned first, I still needed nursing bras; so much to do before baby Arcadia arrives! Now we must race home before the rain. 

Getting home just as the sprinkles began to fall, grabbing blankets (which had dried perfectly). Then I ran around outside picking basil, the rain dripping down my face was refreshing and exhilarating! I needed to make one last batch of pre-baby pesto to freeze!

Food processor buzzing; Taylor painting in the living room with yellow non toxic clay paint (yes we saved this for the last minute too), but hey my belly cast had been done last week!

Everything was coming together now; pesto in the freezer and now I'm painting too. Now at a point in labor where I have to stop and focus a little more, I don't want to smudge the paint!

Everything is ready, now time to relax, all snuggled in our newly painted living room on our couch with a yummy bowl of fresh pesto pasta all with a great Netflix find playing! The perfect end of a perfect day. The contractions have been steadily increasing all day, it feels so exciting and unreal! Taylor falls asleep on the couch, I decide to head to bed and try to sleep.

I sleep with slight dream-like stirring during contractions (which seem close together), but I continue sleeping knowing I need all the sleep I can manage to snag. At some point Taylor comes to bed, the contractions continue. This has been the most perfect day, filled with the most perfect distractions.

*Birth story to be continued tomorrow, October 12, on Arcadia's fifth birthday*

If you're living on the Eastern Shore and would like to share your birth story with our community, please email me at maria@thrivebirth.org.

Doula Myth #3: Doulas Can Interfere with the Mother/Partner Bond

We've been exploring the most common doula myths out there.  Check out Doula Myth #1 and Doula Myth #2.  A common misconception about doulas is that they are there to "replace" the birthing partner.  Let's do some myth busting, shall we?

You're considering hiring a doula for support during your labor.  You have a partner who is interested in a the process and wants to take an active role in physical and emotional support on the day that your baby will be born.  But you may be apprehensive about bringing another supportive person onto the team, out of fear that your doula will "replace" the partner or that the doula may interfere with the mother/partner bond in this incredibly intimate experience.

Your partner is the expert on YOU.  Your doula is the expert on BIRTH.

A fantastic doula recognizes the importance of safety, comfort, and intimacy in the birth experience and does everything she can to foster it.  Sometimes that means offering suggestions to the partner for ways to physically support the birthing woman.  Sometimes it means stepping out of the way to facilitate and encourage a more intimate experience.  Sometimes it means giving the partner reassurance that she's still being cared for while he's in the restroom, grabbing something to eat, or taking a rest.  

A doula is there to support the birthing family as a unit.  Many partners have expressed their gratefulness to have a trusted support person there who better understands the process of labor and birth simply to calm their nerves and say "She's doing great.  This is normal."

What an amazing feeling it is to know that the woman that you love is being supported in the best way possible during the most important event of her life!

Our doulas recognize, respect, and understand the importance of a supportive and loving partner in the birth process.  We consider it an incredible honor to be able to ease the family's minds and help them learn how to best support each other while they bring their child into the world.

Doula Myth #2: Doulas are Only for Natural Births

Ready for Week Two of our Doula Myth series?  We hope our community can learn something awesome each week about our doulas and our dedication and commitment to the health and happiness of our pregnant and parenting community.

Which brings us to Doula Myth #2: Doulas are only for natural births.  If I had a dollar for every time someone said to me "I wish I could have had a doula!  But... I had a c-section/epidural/induction/etc", then I would be rich.  Yes, doulas are experts on the natural and normal process of labor and birth.  But guess what?  We're also experts on giving you evidence-based information about whatever type of birth you're planning!  And we're also experts at supporting you through whatever birth you desire or ultimately have.  And we're experts at being non-judgmental, unbiased, supportive, and flexible when things don't go according to plan.  We're experts at providing the very best professional care that we have to offer, no matter what type of birth you're planning.

Most people who call us do so because they are planning a natural birth and want some support and guidance with that.  And that's fabulous!  But some people who call us do so because they are planning something different.  And sometimes plans change, too.  And we're here for you every step of the way.  Ultimately, when we are hired to support a birthing woman and/or family, we carry no responsibility for the physical outcome of her birth. That allows us the space, time, and room to give her and her family the undivided and continuous physical and emotional support and education that they want.  What we desire is for the birthing woman to feel fulfilled, satisfied, and like she THRIVED in her experience into motherhood.  And satisfaction can come in many forms for many types of people and types of births.  Someone with a scheduled cesarean can look back on her experience knowing that she was safe, comfortable, happy, and made great decisions for her and her baby.  Someone with a home water birth can look back on her experience knowing the exact same thing.   

Our doulas have attended elective cesareans, medically necessary scheduled cesareans, inductions, births with planned and unplanned epidurals, births in hospitals, birthing centers, and even at home.  If you know that you can benefit from having a doula present at your birth, no matter what kind of birth you're planning, give us a call to set up a free consultation.

Do you wish you had a doula present at your birth?

Doula Myth #1: Doulas Hate Obstetricians

We're starting a Doula Myth series where we want to break down some common doula misconceptions so that our community can know exactly what to expect from us!  First up in the series to bust:  Doulas hate OBs.

It turns out that there is this misconception that doulas are going to births to wage wars with their clients' obstetricians.  Well, actually, there ARE some doulas who are hired with the intention of "fighting" with medical staff to make sure that the birthing woman gets what she wants.  Thrive birth doulas don't do this, and believe it or not, our clients don't want us to!  Our clients are smart, capable people who (often times with the guidance and expertise a doula has to offer) can make decisions about their own care providers and their own birth choices.  And when they need help, they know who to turn to for options and support.

Believe it or not, we think obstetricians have some pretty amazing unique skills.  We can't safely remove babies from wombs in operating rooms! Some of our clients have either desired or NEEDED the expertise of an obstetrician and we've been fortunate to work with some fantastic OBs. We want to leave the medical stuff to the medical professionals.  In the birth setting, we want the obstetrician to be the obstetrician, the midwife be the midwife, the nurse be the nurse, and the doula be the doula.

We trust you to decide who is right for you and your birth.  No matter who you've hired as a care provider, we provide fantastic doula support for you and your partner.

If the doula is doing her job well, then why wouldn't an OB love to have her there?  It just means even more support and education for their patients. This isn't always the case.  There are circumstances where hospitals are actually banning doulas from practicing in their establishment!   We're disheartened to hear that women are hiring doulas to go into the hospital with their fists in the air ready to fight (so to speak).  That's not the way birth was meant to be.  If you feel that you don't have a trusting and comfortable relationship with the care provider(s) you have hired, your doula can help you search for a care provider who suits your needs better.  We love going to births because we know that creating a safe, comfortable, and trusting environment for women is ultimately healthier, safer, and will leave the birthing woman feeling pleased and joyful about her birthing experience.  Who wants to look back on the most important experience of their lives with negative thoughts and feelings?  Who wants to spend the most intimate, special, and intense day of their lives fighting?  

Who wouldn't want to feel happy, joyful, safe, comfortable, and loved on the day they meet their new baby? When you hire a doula who you trust, this is the reward that you reap!

Doulas are not medical professionals.  Fantastic doulas are experts on childbirth, how to support women in childbirth, and how to communicate.  Let's leave the medical expertise to the people who have medical degrees.  And if those aren't your people, then that's cool, too! We'll help you figure out your options.  We want you to feel totally comfortable with everyone on your birthing team.  Sometimes it's an OB, sometimes a midwife, sometimes a doula, sometimes a partner, sometimes a mother or mother-in-law.  Sometimes it's in a hospital, sometimes in a birthing center, and sometimes it's at home.  We can't guarantee that your birth will go according to your plan (because they rarely do!) but we can support whatever choices you make along the way.  What we 100% guarantee is that if you hire a Thrive doula, you will be supported by a fabulous, non-judgmental professional whose only goal is to be present with you while you need her and to help you prepare for the birthing experience that you desire.

I was in a conversation with a friend who said that she didn't need a doula because she got all of her birth plan items "checked off" on her list. I said that was lovely and then asked how she felt when she was in labor and giving birth. Her reply? "Scared."

While a birth plan can be helpful to you and your care provider (and we can certainly provide you with resources and guidance on creating one), it goes so much deeper than that! Your birth doesn't have to be scary. It can be intense, powerful, beautiful, joyful, and amazing.

Doulas don't exist to fight for your birth plan requirements with your OB. Doulas have skills that go far beyond checking things off a list. Doulas are fantastic communicators. They are brilliant observers. They are lifelong learners. They genuinely want you to feel amazing and loved. They are passionate about birth. They are passionate about mothers and babies. They are experts in childbirth and all things pregnancy, postpartum, and early parenting.

If you want to know more about what a doula and client relationship looks like, contact us for a free consultation.  Are there any other doula myths you would like us to address?

10 Things to Do on Delmarva When You're 9 Months Pregnant

The first 37 weeks have flown by! Or have they?  You're now 9 months pregnant and you're patiently (or not so patiently) awaiting the arrival of your baby.  Or, if you're somewhere else in your pregnancy, file this away for when it's your turn.  Take advantage of this time!  It may be your last opportunity to do something for yourself for a while.  Soon enough, you'll have your sweet, squishy newborn in your arms.  In the meantime, here are 10 great things to do on the Eastern Shore when you're 9 months pregnant.

1. Go to the beach!  Soak up some Vitamin D and relax while listening to the ocean.  There's no shortage of beaches on Delmarva.  Rehobeth, Lewes, Bethany, Ocean City, Deal Island, Assateague, and many more. Best of all?  It's FREE.
2. Get a last minute prenatal massage.   Melody Saylor, BA,  offers a relaxing, healing prenatal massage at an amazing price in Salisbury, MD.  Your body will feel refreshed, energized, and completely tension free for your upcoming labor and birth.
3. Enjoy a great, affordable lunch from The Shark on the Harbor in West Ocean City.  They specialize in delicious, local, fresh, and healthy ingredients and preparations.
4. If you need a new hair cut, style, or nail treatment, check out Enza's: An Organic Salon.  It may be your last chance for a while to do something for yourself.  Best of all?  They do amazing work with no yucky fumes and toxic sprays.
5. There are so many places to shop for your new little one on the Eastern Shore.  Check out Barefoot Baby Boutique in Salisbury for fabulous baby clothes and accessories.  Or if you're looking for baby carriers or cloth diapers, we're so lucky to have Sling With Me in Milford, DE.
6. If you're planning on breastfeeding, attend a local La Leche League meeting or breastfeeding support group meeting.  You'll get to learn about your upcoming feeding journey and you'll get a chance to meet and connect with other pregnant and nursing mamas. 
7. Join the Facebook group Pregnant on the Eastern Shore and make some more connections.  Ask if there are other pregnant moms with similar due dates.  Maybe you could all get lunch together sometime and discuss your pregnancies and upcoming new motherhood.
8. Go get an adjustment in the end weeks of your pregnancy! Your body will be in the optimal alignment for perfect positioning for baby and a better chance for a smooth and complication-free delivery.  Dr. Kristen Iman is the local prenatal chiropractic guru!
9.  If you haven't had maternity photos purchased yet, call Bluebug Photography!  They do amazing work with our local community.
10. Go to a Paint Night!  Have a girls night out, enjoy each other's company, and paint something special for your baby's nursery.

But most of all, enjoy your last few hours, days, or weeks with your baby on the inside.

The Birth Dream Team

I recently attended a birth with what I would consider the "Birth Dream Team".  I was so inspired by the way that every professional and support person in the room made the birthing woman the complete priority that I felt I needed to share.  Unfortunately, this isn't what I've experienced every time in the past (for various reasons), but when the dream team comes together and treats the birthing woman and her baby with dignity and respect, she feels calm, supported, loved, and confident.  Who wouldn't want to feel that way on the day that their baby is being born?!

This is what comprises the Birth Dream Team:

1. A fantastic OB or midwife (or both!) who both respect the birthing woman and her wishes and who bring their expertise to the L&D room.

2. A nurse who makes everyone else's job easier.  To be a fabulous nurse is to basically be a gift from Heaven.  When you see and work with a fabulous nurse, you know it.  And you never forget it.  They are patient, kind, helpful, incredibly intelligent, and probably have thousands of hours of experience under their belts.

3. A supportive and attentive doula that you trust.  The best doulas are nonjudgmental, spend just as much time creating the environment that the birthing woman desires as they do hands-on labor support, and give every second of their time to being as present as possible and responsive to the needs of the individual birthing woman and her partner.  

4. An amazing and supportive birthing partner.  This doesn't always mean that it's the baby's father, although it often is.  Sometimes it's a mother, a great friend, or anyone else in the woman's life who loves her and loves this baby.

The Birth Dream Team works together with only one goal in mind: To use their individual strengths and expertise to guide a birthing woman in achieving the beautiful, safe, healthy, happy birth that she desires.  All members of the team respect each other and understand the important roles of the other members.  And all members treat birthing woman and baby with respect, dignity, love, and compassion.

When you are looking to hire your Birth Dream Team, contact us to learn about your local options and how you can prepare for the birth you want!

Thrive Spotlight: Elisha Immanuel

We're back with another installment of Thrive Spotlight.  We love when our clients really get to know us, so we are sharing some fun and interesting facts with you!  Up next, we're casting the spotlight on the fabulous doula and placenta encapsulation specialist, Elisha Immanuel.

1.  I love to cook and prepare foods.  I would like to go to culinary school, but only to have more knowledge at my finger tips.  I would never want to work as a chef, too fast paced for me.  

2.  My favorite movie is Ever After and has been since I was young.  It is the only movie I have ever been able to fall asleep during...only because I have seen it an uncountable amount of times. 

3.  I enjoy knitting everything under the sun!  I also enjoy making my own patterns and deciding how to edit other patterns I find.  I have always found creating things with my hands is very rewarding, I used to make clothing for my barbies at a young age.  

4.  My favorite foods and drinks are: Indian food, Thai food, New York pizza, Sushi, Coffee, Matcha tea and any hot tea.  

5.  I never expected to be so emotional when attending births.  But when you hear a baby's first cry... well I just can't help but to tear up and feel amazingly overwhelmed with joy!  There is just nothing that compares.  

6.  I grew up on Elliott Island, a very beautiful and extremely remote island in Dorchester County.  I would play in the woods, read books in my hidden tree, and play in Fishing Bay all summer long (even with the jelly fish).  Walking along the beach and riding my bike all over the island are wonderful memories!  

7.  I've enjoyed becoming part of the community while vending at the Easton Farmers Market; I love sharing my knit products, natural body care, prepared foods and our many potted plants with everyone. 

8.  I love all music... well most, though I'd say my go to music genre is Indie Folk any day of the week.  I especially love Milky Chance, Mumford and Sons, Lumineers and Bon Iver.  I also love Oldies, Classical, and always Reggae! 

9.  I always want to be by the water with my kids, it is one of my top happy places!  The ocean is pure magic and healing.  I don't know if I could ever handle living inland, if I had to I would definitely need some amazing mountains and large lakes very close! 

10.  I want to shave my head; I always have wanted to at some point in my life and just haven't yet.  By the time of my 30th birthday if I still haven't I will then to celebrate three decades of living! 

Read Elisha's bio here.  And don't forget to check out the spotlight on our other doulas, Terri Goslee and Maria Mengel!

Birth and Death

Birth and Death are opposites, right?  A new life enters.  Another exits.  I've birthed two babies in the last three years.   I lost my little brother in April 2016.  I was shocked by how similar my "recovery" experiences were in each situation.   Maybe because I'm so involved with birth every day as a doula and birth worker, but I couldn't stop noticing similarities to the way I experienced the two life events.  

In March of 2016, I finished my bereavement doula training.  I learned a lot about loss, grief, what the experience of losing a loved one might feel or look like, and how to support others who are in that space (specifically pregnancy loss).  I was surprised, though, that I didn't grieve the loss of my brother in the ways that I thought I would.  Each loss is different, of course.  But one thing has been clear: bringing in new life and saying goodbye to another are monumental moments that shape your mind, your soul, and your relationships.

Birth and Death...

1. ...ARE ALL CONSUMING.  I couldn't think about anything else.  I replayed every detail over and over in my head.  For the first few weeks after the births of my daughters, I thought day and night about their births, my labor, how they were handling life, when they needed to eat, how much they were sleeping and peeing and pooping, and if I was doing everything right.  My brain literally could not focus on one other thing.  For the first few weeks after the death of my brother, all I could think about was his life, his death circumstances, the "what-if" questions, how my life would be different, how his children and my family were coping, and my memories with him.  Other than attempting to care for my children, absolutely nothing else got priority.
2. ...REQUIRE CONVERSATIONAL PROCESSING.  At least for me.  As a doula, I recognize the importance of creating a safe space for the new mother to share her birth story and how she felt during that process.  I understood after my own births how it was ingrained in my soul to share my story and talk about it to reflect and process the events.  After the death of my brother, it seemed that the only thing worth talking about was him.  In the same way that I needed to process the monumental event of birth and new life, I needed to process the monumental event of the death.
3. ...ARE A HORMONAL ROLLER COASTER.  With both, I cry one minute, experience happiness the next, and then guilt about what I could have done differently.  Granted, the overlying feelings of sadness with death and happiness with the birth of your child are inevitable and normal.  But both situations elicited a wide range of emotions that seemed to come and go without explanation.
4. ...CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER.  The path of your future is carved the moment your baby is born or the moment your loved one leaves. You know immediately that your life is changed.  Things will be different.  You'll never be the same person and your life will never feel or look the same.
5. ...REQUIRE A RECOVERY PERIOD AND TRANSITION.  Thank God for maternity leave, right?  Our bodies and our hearts need time to readjust.  We need to experience life with a new human and transition from life without this new baby to life with this new baby.  And that takes time, patience, and sometimes the road is rocky.  We require and deserve some time to figure it out.  The death of a loved one requires a recovery and transition, as well.  Life is not the same and won't ever be the same again.  Your family dynamic, your relationships, your energy and motivation all need to transition from life with this family member to life without.  

Of course, my experience with the loss of my brother may or may not be similar to yours.  If you've lost a pregnancy/child, parent, sibling, close friend, or spouse, your emotional, mental, and physical responses to loss may have felt completely different.  Bereavement is a multi-layered subject, but I think it's safe to say that everyone who is grieving deserves to feel heard, validated, supported, and know their options for moving forward.  

Have you experienced the death of a loved one?  How was your experience similar or different?

Will I Be Able to Love My Second Baby?

My first baby.  Clara Josephine.  We were inseparable.  She made me a mother and I gave her as much of myself as I could.  It wasn't until her birth that my life started making sense.  It seemed as if 100% of the love I had to give was now given.  And then, when she was only 11 months old, I discovered that I was pregnant again.

I was both excited and scared.  I loved the newborn phase and wanted to snuggle a new sweet baby again.  I knew that we wanted our family to grow.  But, as many American families are, we were already stretched thin with multiple jobs and many responsibilities.  I worried about the logistics of adding another member to our family.

Most importantly, I dealt with a lot of anxiety about whether I would be able to love my second baby as I had loved my first.  I already felt that every drop of love that I had to give away was given.  Would I have to love my Clara less to create some space in my heart for this new baby?  Is this fair to my first daughter to have to give up some of the attention and love that she deserves?  She will only be 19 months old when the baby is born.  Would I simply have nothing left to give and feel distant or unattached to my second baby?  

How could I share myself with not only one tiny human, but two?

As the pregnancy progressed, I developed a bond with my baby in utero.  One that I didn't have with my first pregnancy.  This was very comforting.  But I still had some fear about how that bond and attachment would play out when both of my children were in my arms.  In addition to the already anxious and guilt-ridden mother that I had become, my pregnancy hormones had caused my breast milk to completely dry up.  Clara, who I had nourished since her birth, was now denied that nourishment and comfort simply because I found myself expecting again.  I didn't think it was fair to her.  Talk about mom guilt, right?

I spent a lot of time during this pregnancy doing special activities with my Clara since I knew that we may not get the chance to do things like that alone again.  We took swimming classes, music classes, and I tried to spend as much quality time with her as I could.  She was too young to understand the ways in which her life was going to change.  

Just when I thought she would never come, my baby was born.  And it actually happened.  There was love to give! 

The moment I saw her I knew it would all be okay.  It was a very hard labor and the relief of having my baby in my arms, and my 19 month old daughter by my side while stroking her sister's face was all I ever wanted.  My heart opened a second time and a new life entered.

As it turns out, I didn't need to deprive Clara of my love.  And my new baby, Jane, was still loved as much as she ever could be.  Somehow, it just works.  I have found that I love them in completely different ways.  Clara was my first baby.  She made me a mother and without her I would be nothing.  She needs me and I need her.  Jane and I are kindred spirits. We experienced that pregnancy and birth together and I think we both grew to love each other through those experiences.  When I look into her eyes, I can see into her heart.

I need Clara. I know Jane.  

I'm writing this story for the mothers who are pregnant with their second baby or are thinking about adding to their families.  I want them to know that if their experience looks similar to mine, that it's okay and I think it's normal.  I can't wait for you to be holding those new babies and come back and tell me, "You were right!".

4 Questions to Ask Yourself After a Doula Interview

Yesterday we shared 5 questions to ask in a doula interview.  Today, we want to share some questions that you can ask yourself when deciding whether hiring that doula is right for you...

So, you've interviewed a doula.  Hopefully you had a great chat and spent some time getting to know each other.  Before you decide whether to contract her services, ask yourself a few important questions.

How did I feel when I was talking to this doula?  

Or, more importantly, how do you want to feel in your birthing time?  Did your time with that doula make you feel loved, appreciated, heard, safe, and validated?  Did you feel comfortable expressing yourself?  Do you feel like you could create a trusting relationship with your doula? Chances are, if the answers are yes, then your doula will also be excellent at creating a space for you during your birthing time where you can feel the same way: safe, heard, important, validated, joyful, and loved.

How did my partner feel?

Doulas are there to support the birthing woman AND her partner.  Does your partner feel like they can trust and communicate with her?  Does your partner want to be actively involved with the birth?  If so, does he/she feel like the doula will be a source of support and resources?

Can I afford the services?

When you ask yourself this question, don't just ask yourself if you can afford it.  Ask yourself how important it is to you and then ask yourself if you believe that the value of that particular doula's services are worth the experience that you would have with her.  And if the answer is yes, do everything you can to be able to afford it.  No other day is more important than the day of your baby's birth.  Your investment in your baby's birth will lead you to a life ahead with precious memories of the day that your baby entered your arms and the very best start to your new experience with motherhood.

What does my intuition tell me?

Your intuition is rarely wrong.  Does your gut tell you that you want this doula at your birth to support you?  Then hire her.  Does your gut tell you to call around and interview a few more doulas?  Then trust your intuition.  Meet a few more doulas.

If you want to feel safe, validated, empowered, heard, loved, and comfortable during your birthing time, consider hiring a doula.  Thrive Birth Services of Delmarva has the very best doulas on the Eastern Shore who are passionate, nonjudgemental, and supportive.  

How did you know that your doula was the right one for you?

5 Questions to Ask in a Doula Interview

If you're expecting and considering hiring a doula, call around and ask if you can schedule a consultation with one or more doulas.  During this interview, you can get to know each other and decide whether you want to hire that doula to support you during your pregnancy, labor, and birth.  Use that initial interview to ask all of your most important questions and reflect on how she makes you feel.  Here are some questions to ask your doula in that important first interview. 

Why did you become a doula?

This question can be used as a way for you to get to know the doula you are interviewing.  Learn a little about her background, her passion for birth work, and why she's made a career our of supporting women like you.

What are your strengths as a doula?  What do you consider to be the most important part of your job?

Although this question can be another way to get to know her, it has a more important role.  If the doula considers the most important part of her job to be to help women achieve un-medicated births and you know that you are planning or open to a medicated birth, this is perhaps not the doula for you.  Use this question as a guide to help you decide whether this doula is a good match for you.  A doula who is supportive of all birth choices and nonjudgmental is someone who can truly serve you.

What does your fee cover?

Review the doula's contract carefully and ask any questions that you feel aren't specifically covered in the contract.  How many prenatal and postpartum visits does the doula offer?  At what point during your pregnancy is she on-call for your birth?  How often is she available by phone, text, or email for questions or concerns during your pregnancy?

Do you have a reliable and competent backup doula?

Hopefully, the doula that you hire will be the doula at your birth.  Rarely though, of course, things beyond her control may happen and she may have no other choice but to miss your birth.  If she is ill or if she's already attending another birth and you go into labor, can you be sure that a reliable and competent back-up doula will be available for face-to-face support?  Who are her back-up doulas?  

Do you have any special training or experience with a specific complication or outcome?  (If you have or expect any special circumstances)

If you know that your baby will be spending time in the NICU after birth, you may want to consider a doula who has training or experience with NICU babies.  Or if you are planning a cesarean, hiring a doula who can prepare you for what to expect during your surgical birth may be very beneficial to you.  Take this with a grain of salt, though.  If you have established a trusting and positive connection with a doula who doesn't have the exact specifications that you originally desired, you will still benefit greatly from her care and support.  And ultimately, your relationship with the person who will be there during one of the most important and intimate days of your life is what will give you comfort and peace on your birthing day.

If you live on the Delmarva Peninsula and are considering hiring a doula, contact us to set up a complimentary consultation so that we may answer all of your most important questions.

What other questions are important to you in a doula interview?

The 3 BEST Pieces of Parenting Advice

"Breast is best."  "You have you let your baby cry it out."  "Get the epidural."  "Natural birth is amazing."  "You should delay vaccines."  "Time outs are the best way to teach your kids discipline."  "You shouldn't give pacifiers."

We've all heard it.  The moment you announce your pregnancy, you're a target for advice from well-meaning friends, family, in-laws, doctors, and even social media.  It can be confusing and overwhelming.  You begin to question yourself and your decisions.  You may feel anxious or upset when it seems that everyone else is doing a better job than you.  We've compiled what we believe are the BEST pieces of parenting advice you'll ever hear.

1. Stop asking for advice.

It's as simple as that.  Stop asking other people for advice.  You'll be continuously overloaded with contradictory suggestions that may only lead you back to square one.  You'll discover that certain people have different parenting styles than you.  And that's okay.  You're still allowed to be friends!  But asking for their advice may just not be helpful for you.  And that's okay, too.   Don't post all of your parenting struggles on Facebook.  That is synonymous with asking your 1000-member friends list for advice. 

2. Stop taking advice.

What about when the well-meaning friends and family offer unsolicited advice?  Also simple:  just don't take it.  You don't HAVE to do anything with your children simply because someone else said it worked for them.  It's okay to make choices that are different from others.  And if your friends and family are driving you nuts with the advice-giving, you have permission to be polite and direct and say, "Thank you for your concern.  I've got this."  (Even if you don't). 

3. Do research, trust your intuition, and take all advice with a grain of salt.

Are you a research-oriented person?  Do some research about the evidence of certain parenting practices or choices in pregnancy and birth.  Ask your doula for some resources.  Are you someone who appreciates or recognizes the power of your intuition?  Take some time and listen to your children or baby and yourself.  What does your intuition tell you to do?  What feels right for you?  If it feels right, it probably is.  Do you actually WANT to ask for advice?  That's okay, too!  This parenting gig is hard and everyone deserves and NEEDS a support system.  If you have some trusted family members or close friends whose opinion you value, by all means, ask away!  But remember to take their advice with a grain of salt.  All babies are different and what works for someone else's baby might not work for yours.  Be open to suggestions, but ultimately, you're the expert and authority on your own children.  Our postpartum doulas are there when your baby comes home to guide you through this crazy parenting journey while still respecting your parenting styles.  Ultimately, we want you to feel like you're doing the right thing.  Because you probably are!

Make your decisions with LOVE.  Make decisions for your family because of your undying love for your children, not because someone else said it's the right thing to do. It's never a wrong choice if you make it with love.

If you're pregnant and are thinking about all of these decisions now, hire a birth consultant or doula to guide you with resources and nonjudgmental support through this journey.

Thrive Spotlight: Terri Goslee

We're back with another installment of Thrive Spotlight.  We love when our clients really get to know us, so we are sharing some fun and interesting facts with you!  Up next, we're casting the spotlight on Terri Goslee, doula and placenta encapsulation specialist.

terri goslee with her husband and two sons

10 Fun Facts about Terri:

1. I was born and raised in Lindale, TX, a small East Texas town. I lived there until I went to college at 18. I graduated with the same people I went to first grade with. Everyone knew everybody. All my family still lives in Texas.

2. Have you heard the Miranda Lambert song "Everybody Dies Famous In A Small Town"? It's about my hometown. Really. Miranda graduated 2 years before me. We even played on the same softball team when we were younger (although I doubt she remembers me now).

3. While I've lost a lot of it over the years, I was a competitive dancer in Jr. High & High School. I still love to dance, but it's hard to find the time.

4. I went to Hampton Master's Commission in Hampton, VA after high school for two years. This is where I met my husband. He is from Salisbury, MD, and is why we ended up here. When we first got married, I told him I would stay here for one year and then we were moving back to TX... we were married in 2006, and are still here, with no plans of moving out of the area.

5. I have been to a few other countries: Germany, France, Switzerland, El Salvador, and the Bahamas.

6. I have a serious love the 80's/early 90's, even though I was too young to remember most of it. I like a lot of the movies, but the music and fashion are my favorite part. I secretly wish some of the 80's fashion would come back!

7. My all time favorite TV show is Boy Meets World! But I also love Saved By The Bell, Step by Step, Family Matters... all those older shows, and prefer them to most of the shows that air now.

8. I still tear up and cry and every birth I attend when mom finally gets to hold her baby. I've just accepted it now and tell all my clients that it will happen, just so they know. 

9. I was not a coffee person until my oldest son began preschool at age four. Having to be up early AND get two kids as well as myself ready and out the door meant I needed more energy than I could muster up on my own, so I began drinking coffee. Now, I find myself wanting another cup two or three (or FOUR!) times throughout the day... and not because I need the caffeine.

10. I have recently become a fan of Mexican food, but I do not like Italian food, although I will eat it if I don't have a choice. The jury is still out on whether or not I like Chinese food, it's certainly not my favorite, but I don't hate it. But I think my favorite kind of food is good ol' Texas style BBQ, and I make to get my fill any time I get a chance to visit!

Read Terri's bio here.  Read the first installment of Thrive Spotlight, where we told 10 Fun Facts about Maria Mengel here.  Tell us some fun facts about you!  

What is a Doula?

We get it all the time... 

"Nice to meet you.  What do you do?"
"I'm a doula."
*crickets*
"Ummmm... what's a doula?"

According to DONA International, a doula certifying organization, 

The word "doula" comes from the ancient Greek meaning "a woman who serves" and is now used to refer to a trained and experienced professional who provides continuous physical, emotional and informational support to the mother before, during and just after birth; or who provides emotional and practical support during the postpartum period.

So, again... what's a doula?  How do we describe our own profession?  Why would someone want to hire a doula?

A doula is a pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum expert.  She knows the birth process in and out.  She is a kind, nonjudgmental, experienced professional who can answer your questions about birth and support you during your labor and birth process.

Your doula spends time with you during your pregnancy.  She meets with you and your partner; she answers your texts, calls, and emails when you have questions; and she loves getting to know you.  When you have intimate questions about your experience, or when you need to know more about a choice you may need to make, your doula is there to provide you with calming reassurance, evidence-based information, and unbiased support.

Your doula is the only professional who will be with you continuously during your labor.  In the fast paced hospital setting, nurses, midwives, and doctors will be in and out.  They will have responsibilities and routines.  Once your doula shows up, she doesn't leave.  She's the one who creates a safe and comfortable environment so that you can bring your baby into the world with joy and peace.  Your doula is the calm presence in the birth room, even when birth is intense, fast-paced, or when things don't go as planned.

Before birth moved into the hospital, women supported women in their communities.  They would experience birth together, witnessing their mothers birth their siblings, their friends and family go through their pregnancies, and were knowledgeable about the process.  Now that most of us don't birth at home with our communities, childbirth has become the big "unknown".   Hiring a doula is like bringing that community back to you.  Having a doula to answer your questions and refer you to resources gives you the power of going into your experience with peace, calmness, and excitement because you know what to expect and have someone who you trust to be right beside you.

Your doula supports you and your partner, bringing her expertise and wisdom, while still giving you the space to enjoy the experience together.  Aside from your partner, your doula may be the only non-stranger in your birthing room.

Most importantly, your doula has a passion for birth work.  She wants you to experience the birth of your dreams, whatever that means for you.  She provides the resources for you to be informed and empowered to make decisions, and then uses her training, expertise, and experience to support you no matter what.  

Your midwives, OBs, and nurses are there to protect your and your baby physically and medically.  Your partner is there to witness their child's birth and to support you.  Your doula is there to be the source of trust and love.  Every day before our doulas walk into a birth, we say to ourselves, "Make sure your client feels loved today."  Every woman deserves to birth her baby surrounded by love.

Doulas are for hospital births, birth center births, home births, natural births, cesareans, epidural births, inductions, and everything in-between.  If you want to experience your birth with peace, joy, and the presence of one of the best doulas on the Eastern Shore, give us a call to see how we can serve you. 

Thrive Spotlight: Maria Mengel

We want you to get to know us... the real us.  We're all a little quirky and fun.  For our first installment of Thrive Spotlight--Get to know the owner of Thrive Birth Services, Maria Mengel!  

10 Fun Facts about Maria:

1. I didn't read the Harry Potter series until I was 28 years old.  And now I'm in love with Hogwarts.
2. I had my nose pierced in 2006.  My nose ring fell out that year on a cruise and the hole closed.  I've been waiting ever since to get it re-pierced.  Maybe I should just bite the bullet?
3. My favorite foods and drinks are: coffee, chocolate, Mexican food, Italian food, and dill pickles.
4. I LOATHE flying on airplanes.  I've done it.  I'll probably do it again.  But you can't make me like it!
5. My favorite part about attending births is not actually the moment of birth.  It's saying goodbye.  Is that weird?  I only say goodbye when I know everyone is happy, resting, and comfortable with their new baby.  It feels so good to see that they're ready to rest and bond with their baby after all of that hard and beautiful work.
6. I once ran a half marathon.  It was awesome.  But I will never do it again.  I'm way too busy to run for two hours.
7. I'm a musician!  I studied music in college, taught public school music for 5 years, and still teach french horn lessons privately.
8. If I was a multi-millionaire, the first things I would buy are: a Mini Cooper, a very expensive mattress, and a bunch of chandeliers for my house.
9. My daughters, Clara and Jane, are almost 20 months apart.  My sister, Bryana, and I, are almost 20 months apart.  I pray that someday my daughters will have as beautiful a friendship as Bryana and I have.
10. I met my husband at West Virginia University.  We were both studying music.  We bonded while binge-watching The Office together and still make Office quotes and references every day in our house.

Read more about Maria's bio here.  Tell me a fun fact about you!

What is Placenta Encapsulation?

Placenta encapsulation is becoming more and more popular among women on the Eastern Shore and all over the country.  Women are hiring professionals to prepare their placenta into a capsule form to be ingested.  The process is simple; the service can be completed in a few days; and taking the capsules can provide immense benefits to a new mother.

Your placenta is the only disposable organ that your body will ever grow and then release on its own.  It exists so that your baby exists.  Your placenta is the source of all of your baby's oxygen, nutrients, and hormones during pregnancy.  Your baby is attached to his placenta via his umbilical cord.  Your baby carries a special bond with this very special organ.  

The value of your placenta does not decrease just because your baby has been born.

After the birth of your baby, your uterus contracts, releases the placenta from its wall, and then your placenta is born.  At some point, the baby is usually separated from the placenta by clamping and cutting his umbilical cord.  If you're not planning to have your placenta prepared, you probably won't ever see it again.  But if you're in the growing population of women who seek optimal postpartum health, you may be considering placenta encapsulation.  Believe it or not, almost all mammals consume their placenta after birth. 

The reported benefits of placenta encapsulation include:

• Lessened the likelihood or severity of postpartum depression or "baby blues"

• Replenished iron from blood loss during birth

• Stabilized hormones and provided a consistent flow of oxytocin after birth euphoria ends

• Established early and healthy milk supply

• Replenished B vitamins and energy after birth

• Natural pain relief after birth

If you've chosen to hire a placenta encapsulation specialist, your placenta will either be steamed first and then cut, or simply cut raw, dehydrated to release all moisture, ground into a fine powder, and then carefully placed into capsules.  

If your placenta is prepared by Thrive Birth Services of Delmarva, you will receive your capsules within 72 hours so that you can begin to reap the benefits as early as possible.  Your placenta specialist always upholds the utmost safety standards.   The placenta encapsulation package includes an in-person or phone consultation during pregnancy, finished capsules in a glass jar, an umbilical cord keepsake, instructions for storage,  and suggestions for dosage.  

Placenta encapsulation has been described as your "insurance policy" to a healthy postpartum.   Visit our services page to read more about placenta encapsulation and how it can benefit you.

Six Reasons Why Breastfeeding on the Beach is Amazing

There's something special about the beach.  Maybe it's the sand in your toes.  Maybe it's the sound of the waves lapping.  Or maybe it's the hot sun warming your skin.  Being on the beach can be refreshing, relaxing, and healthy!  Of course our babies would love it, too!  Here are the top reasons to feed your baby on the beach:

1. Vitamin D.  While you're enjoying yourself watching the waves roll in, you and your baby are being saturated with Vitamin D.  It is known that most adults and breastfed infants are probably lacking in Vitamin D.  Rather than supplementing you and/or your baby, take advantage of the biologically normal way to attain sufficient levels of this hormone.  Vitamin D is fundamental to good health!

2. Grounding.  Your immune system functions optimally when you have an adequate supply of electrons, which are easily obtained by barefoot contact with the Earth.  Believe it or not, sinking your bare feet into the sand is a powerful antioxidant and anti-inflammatory!

3. Connecting with nature.  We don't get enough opportunities in today's world to be outside and connect with nature.  Studies have shown that our connections with nature can provide marked improvements in one's health, happiness, and well-being.

4. Skin to skin.  It seems like most people are now aware of the impact that skin-to-skin with your baby can have on a baby's first few hours of life.  But what about after that?  Our babies can still benefit from being skin-to-skin with us anytime!  Research shows that the experience of being touched has direct effects on the growth of our bodies and minds.  You're more likely at the beach to be baring more skin while breastfeeding.  Take advantage of this opportunity for some extra cuddles.

5. Being around people.  How many women have been at home with their newborns for the first few months while their partners are at work?  How many of us can feel lonely in this day-to-day lifestyle?  Even if you're an introvert, use this excuse to make small talk with others.  If you're living on the Eastern Shore, you're guaranteed to be surrounded by people at the beach in the Summer.  Sometimes it can be refreshing to "people watch".  Watch some kids boogie boarding, watch a couple holding hands for a walk, watch a family feeding their children lunch.  

6.  The waves act as white noise.  Being in the sun, hearing the waves crash, and nursing might just be the perfect combination to lull your baby to sleep.  You will have a chance to take a much deserved nap, read a book, or play in the waves.

All of these amazing benefits can apply to bottle-fed babies, too!  Have you ever fed your baby on the beach?  

Netflix and Newborns

You've just settled down in your home with your new, squishy baby.  You are spending A LOT of time resting, healing, eating, and feeding your newborn.  You're staring at your baby's sweet, sleeping face.  You shouldn't have many household responsibilities yet.  But what about the rest of the day?  What to do with all of those hours while you're healing and bonding with your baby?  Here's a list of some awesome (and probably addicting) Netflix shows that you can binge-watch during your early postpartum.   Important disclaimer: Your hormones may still be fluctuating quite a bit, so you can pick and choose your show based on what mood you're in.

If...

...you want to laugh: New Girl. Zooey Deschanel doesn't disappoint with this comedy sitcom.  A little ridiculous, a little romance, a lot funny.

...you want to turn your brain off: Parks and Recreation. As hysterical as this show is, it requires just about zero brain activity to enjoy.  When you've got a new baby and your life has just changed completely, sometimes a comical and light-hearted show is just what you need.

...you actually want to use your thinking brain for something other than examining the color of the diaper changes: Scandal. Fair warning: you won't be able to stop watching this drama series.  

...you want to cry: Parenthood. Sometimes you gotta let it out.  Parenthood is an excellent drama series about a large family and all of their struggles and triumphs.  You are guaranteed at least one good cry per episode.

...you are feeling nostalgic: The Wonder Years. Did you forget that this show even existed?  Yeah, me too.  But I cant. Stop. Watching.

...you are feeling ornery: Orange is the New Black. Has anyone started watching this show and actually not loved it?  Fair warning: If you're easily offended by nudity, foul language, or violence, this isn't the show for you.

...you want to watch re-runs of the best show of all time: Roseanne. This may be my personal opinion (well, okay, it definitely is), but it doesn't get better than the Conners. 

Did you binge-watch any shows while you were feeding and relaxing with your newborn?  Which ones were your favorite?